Who're you dancing for?

Two years ago, this would have been an easy question to answer.

Obviously, you dance for your audience, you are there as an entertainer. Therefor your job is to entertain your audience.

Duh.

Well.


Over the past couple of years during my hiatus, I've had the opportunity to think about this. well, Frankly, during my hiatus when I haven't been actively banging my head against anything and everything, I've thought about it.

Yes, a performer is an entertainer, when you have your audience there who is there to be entertained. As a belly dancer, we tend to be in situations where, despite our best efforts, we are a complement to the hummus, and adjunct to the atmosphere, in some cases, THE atmosphere.

In those situations, were you to bust out in High Art, your audience is befuddled, confused, wondering, really, WTF?

That's not what they came for.

In a concept show, for example, Raks Spooki, which is presented annually by Badrya Al Badia, a Gothic Belly Dance performance show, the audience is more specialized. It's comprised, for the most part, of folks who enjoy both aesthetics.

Therefor, one's artistic license as a performer is greater. As a performer, you can explore your art, twist and turn and see if it works in this context.

Art, by it's nature, isn't always pretty. It can be dark, painful, gut wrenching and difficult to perform, difficult to watch.

As a performer, are you entitled to put your audience through that when you present a show?

I dunno, frankly.

Two years ago, I danced for joy. I danced through family issues, personal issues, anger, rage, pain, happiness, caring, affection, etc.

In Spring, by long standing invitation, I danced at Shimmies for the Cure, Quattro.

I performed to a song by Omar Faruk Tekbelik.

Below is a recounting:

The worst that can happen? I disgrace myself publicly tonight and never appear in public again.So Saturday...

Had completely neglected to practice despite my best intentions. I *had* been listening to the song exhaustively, so I knew as much of it as a person should if they are going to perform to one... you know, listening to the song for so long you think that one more rendition of it is going to make you throw up? no matter how beautiful, lovely, rhythmic, melodic, it become puke inducing?

Yeah.

Still, it's a beautiful, beautiful song.

Had bought a costume to go with that lovely, lovely purple ombre veil from Audra Evans. It's very lightweight, more so than I'm used to. My veil tends to.... well, when I dance veil I...

Let's just say that it's been called "power veil" and that is an apt description.

I treat my veil as a dance partner and really can't be bothered to do tricks with it. I like to make pictures in the air and I often use it percussively.

So the veil I bought is probably 5 mm, when I'm used to 7 or 8. All this meant that I had to move slower with it, as moving too fast would have just made it become a strip, instead of the full expanse.

So I'm home, in my living room which has not seen any practice from me since I moved in here (November, 09).

I have on the bra of the costume which I'd adjusted the night before to make sure I could move in it. Exercise pants, black of course. the veil is 4 yards longs. small living room. new song.

NERVES.

Cue manic miniature schnauzer who is completely in LOVE with the new toy mami brought out for her to play with!!!!

Yeah. I wound up hitting the side of the molding on the entry to the dining room so hard that I'm still not convinced I didn't break anything.

Manic Mini schnauzer got trapped in her carrier which was then suspended off a chair so that I could finish. You should have seen her when I started practicing with the skirt on (to make sure it didn't fall off).

Run late, because I have to adjust the skirt.

Get there, still late, work on getting make up on, (poor organizer had to manage her ENTIRE first act who are all busy putting on make up and the dressing room is across the street instead of in the same building and up 8 floors, making it much harder to tell who was ready and who wasn't).

(reminder, coordinating dancers is something akin to herding cats.)

forgot my cover up, had to buy one last minute to sit with bff and not melt into a puddle of goo.

am 4th dancer in, get out there, do my thing....

When I perform, I make eye contact. Especially with friends in the audience, and try to make everyone feel comfortable and like to try to make sure people are having a good time.

My song was pretty repetitive, and chairs were set into a round, with the dancing space in the center, so I tried to acknowledge all areas, with similar movements.

Got into the meat of the song, and there were moments when I was no longer aware of where the music began and I ended... I kept going, doing what I do... and I swear that there were moments that I connected with M. That he could see me and that he was there. That he loved what I was doing, and I could almost feel him reaching to me.

N uncannily took a picture in a moment that I swear that we were reaching towards each other...



I tried looking into the audience... bff was sobbing. friends were tearful, people I don't know were wiping their eyes... I wound up doing what I haven't in a long time and start looking over people heads because there was just so much emotion that it was overwhelming.

And I *know* there were several portions of the song that I did with my eyes completely shut.

I don't really remember what I did while I was dancing, but I DO remember hitting the ending Exactly where it should have been.

I stood for a moment, in the ending pose. took a bow, grabbed my veil (probably less than gracefully) and ran.

I ran straight into the ladies room, not acknowledging anyone, just needed to get somewhere quiet, and private where I could... fall apart.

ALL stalls occupied.

Collapsed there, with someone's arms around me, and started keening. These horrible sounds that I didn't know could come from my throat, and I thought I'd heard all the sounds I could make while crying.

I was lost.

To what was around me, who was around me, and all I could feel was that hole, where he had been.

Eventually get ahold of myself, realize that it was Baseema that was holding me, hug her back, am the recipient of random hugs from women in the bathroom.

N comes in with tissues, but I can't hug her because between her blinged out Eman and my costume, we'd have gotten stuck and there would have been no prying us apart...

Get ahold of myself, get out there and socialize and spend some time with BFF and the boy, who came to see me dance. BFF was sobbing throughout my performance and it took awhile for her to get ahold of herself.

During intermission, go get  changed and come back and mc'd the second half.

Aftermath:

well. it wasn't a pleasant experience for me. Bff, who doesn't dance, but has been coming to performances of mine since my first recital (see why she's bff?) first words to me were "couldn't you have warned me?".

I have gotten a number of very nice comments and personal messages both thanking me for the performance and inquiries about my teaching.

Couldn't have been too bad, right?

Still, pretty raw performance, both for myself and the audience.

Pretty costume and veil, though, hunh?






So, in summary (hello!!!! are you still there?) I broke one of my own rules. When you dance to entertain, entertain, don't use your performance to massage your ego, manage your emotions, or to work things through. That's what studio time is for.

High concept Art, etc, should be kept to a forum where it belongs. And it will be appreciated for what it is making both artist and viewers/participants happy.

I hereby apologize to those who I inflicted with this performance (let along those who suffered through this (and other) blog posts.

Dance happy, people.