Wednesday, August 25, 2010

How will you play?

"Your playing small does not save the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Wilson
I'm working on it.  
 Many people know that my partner passed away 2 years ago (exactly 2 years ago yesterday. Some people know how that has affected me. 
Well, apparently one of the added extra benefits of grieving is that you (generic) lose self confidence. While I loved performing, I always suffered from stage fright, sometimes awful.
 Now, I'm just afraid, all the time. 

Coming out of hiatus, I'm working on that. I'm working on not "playing small" I'm working on making a wonderful show for those who have believed in me and have supported me over the past several years. 

It's an abyss, really, grief. It sucks you in, and there is very little to hang on to that will help you pull yourself out.
 M loved my dancing and worked on helping me to become a better dancer. He (an amazing individual in his own right) would work with me on learning from my performances. He taught me to be more open, to let go, to show the audience what I was feeling and to allow myself to be vulnerable to people.
There was no mistake that shortly after the start of our relationship, my dancing changed in ways that I liked and worked on promoting.
I know he is always with, and I remind myself:
"Misery is a poor memorial for a great love. " 
I'd give credit for the quote, but I can't remember where I got it from.
So now I'm changing, or have changed, not really sure. I think my dancing has changed as well. We'll see how well it goes playing it LARGE.


  1. I actually did not know this. I can't imagine how painful your loss must have been, and still is.

    I do know about deciding to play large, though. I'm working on it too, although I still have my shrinking days, where I want to build a fort out of couch cushions and hide in it.

    You have serious guts. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your dancing out there in the future :)


  2. Thank you. I've missed dancing (and watching my friends dance!)

    Will you be at MassRaqs?

  3. It looks pretty Arabic-oriented for a Turkophile like me, but I'm hoping to go see the panels and performances :)